Learning my own hands

Since I have arrived in Bali I have been in a deepening relationship with my hands and my energy body.  Working on friends and family are just one of the ways I have had the chance to sharpen my awareness of my craft. My personal practices are opening doors that I have yet to see, let alone step through. This island is very rich and abundant when it comes to free radiant energy, which makes it an ideal space to turn up the voltage and bring anyone present to their inter-connectedness with the world and all those living in it.

In so many stories from old traditions and lineages, they speak of certain times of day that can make that process a bit smoother, shining more light to see the usually un-seeable. I have heard the story many times from many different teachers to use the rising sun as a guide in beginning to see your own energy. My mother was the first to explain to me many years ago to go out at sunrise, hold your thumb and pointer finger close together, about half an inch apart with the rays of the rising sun behind them. Soften your gaze around the area until the magic reveals itself to you. Little strings of light can be seen passing back and forth in this transmittable space with the right curious eyes, child-like eyes. Those strings of light are what the Chinese call Qi, the Yogi’s Prana. It’s the life force flowing in us. When I was young I knew I saw it, but as I aged I convinced myself it was just a game and dismissed it for many years. I’m glad she planted that seed early because I was able to come back to it many years later in flagstaff when I began Tai Chi and practiced in the forests of Kachina Village. 

It was there that this phenomenon reawoke and propelled me into a whole new direction in my life. One that I had simply forgotten about, or one that world around me dismissed, who knows. Now, being here in Bali I have found the early morning and late evening to be ripe times for myself where it seems the veil is much thinner accompanied by a less linear mind. At these times the world is just waking up or fast asleep, thus creating a quiet and ripe environment for stillness to sing its gentle song inviting my inner eye open.

Describing the changes I have felt in the last month to a friend; seeing my energy field, feeling my energy field as well as others, has been ushered in by teachings of letting go. “How far, and how much are you willing to let go of”, I am being asked by a bigger voice. The more I let go the bigger the waves get; surrendering my fears as I get swept out into a sea of possibility. Figuring out what I hold to and where fear still governs my ability to be present for someone else is one of the biggest challenges I face as a healer

“You cannot help a hurting person until you have acknowledged how their fear of pain or dying disturbs you and brings up you most uncomfortable fears."

I am venturing onto the next task I feel called to and have been reading a great book to help me along the way.  A fellow healing friend gave me the book a while back in Boulder, Colorado, as I spoke interest in the subject of Craniosacral therapy. The books name: The Heart of Listening by Hugh Milne. In his writing Hugh adds a mystical light to this intriguing topic that for many years was deemed spiritless in the Osteopathic community this medicine originated from. This book is written in a text format, which normally would be very off-putting for me, but his skill and intuitive writing have cured me of that small prejudice. His words flow from the years of saturation in his work, from the up and the downs in his career, from the confusing times as well as those of certainty. 

I have been drawn to the deeper levels of healing ever since I received my first Acupuncture session from a woman in Flagstaff, Arizona. Her name was Stephanie Selman and I believe she is still there. After she had all the needles, she began to do bodywork on me. She worked my head and scalp, which anyone who has had it knows it feels amazing. Then she moved to my third eye with some sort of a tool or pencil. I could feel this spinning sensation occurring and it felt as if she were spiraling my whole head around itself. After the session was complete I asked what sort of tool she was using to do whatever that was on my forehead. Her reply was, “That was my finger.”

Bali is revered as one of the greatest healing places in the world and healers from all over the planet come to bask in her glow and hope to learn from some of the amazing healers who are here. This was my true intention for coming to this island. Healing others begins with healing oneself. Thus I have taken it upon myself to join in to the unspoken challenge that Hugh Milne speaks of in his book.

“Thus, part of the healers vow is, I will master my trade, I will not burn myself out, I will take care of my own needs so I may be a more complete human being, a more balanced healer. I will recognize my own needs to change and grow, which will allow me to help my clients change and grow – two fluid people changing together.”

 I am taking the beginning steps again to lay a foundational practice in my life that I can hold to and be empowered by. As a body worker, the more I venture down that path without this foundation I become aware of how rocky and difficult the path can be. My personal challenge of burnout is greater, my general energy level lower, and the ability to see clearly how to heal another is easily clouded by uncertainty. My natural given talents in bodywork are meant to be built on, used as part of my foundation, not seen as the culmination of my capabilities.

Yoga, meditation, ceremony, mantras, singing, and praying are all petals of the lotus I have been creating for myself daily here in Bali. Each of these is slowly stirring a deeper seeing and opening of my inner eye in my day to day life, in my personal discovery and on the table working on clients:

Waking up. Breathing in, I can see light moving and swaying in front of me. Breathing out, the light shifts, swirls and becomes shaped by my mind. A current of what looks to be electricity moves through the space like water following a groove in stone it has made with time.  My hands shift and the light drains away into a spiral sinking down and darkness consumes all I could see moments ago with my mind’s eye. So I follow the spiral down and down until a radiantly intense red consumes all of my sight. With my hands I sense the heat pouring from this tender spot and suddenly my ears hear a deepened breathing and finally a small gasp. I stop and breathe with them making sure it is okay to press on. There at the bottom of this old trunk lays a vulnerability surrounded by shadow and demons. My movement slows to near stillness, sharpening my sensitivity, patience and intention, all the while inviting breath into this dark quarter. A very real yet unreal movie is playing as I watch the trauma unfold and show its story in rich symbology and archetypal narration. This space feels like a manky sewer with years of neglect. Creepy shadows shift and scurry across the mold covered floor beneath my feet. The darkness around me is deep and saturated with uncertainty. From a space of compassion I connect with my hands again and begin breathing light and love into my lungs and emanating this energy from my hands as pure light. At first it is soft, but the glow begins to build into a line shining up into the heavens and down into the earth cracking the ceiling and floor open. As I bring my intention even closer to my heart I can feel  another light emanating from the dark creatures that were hiding in the shadows. This is a good sign that the person I am working with is engaging in their own healing. Soon the room begins shifting as light pours in through all and any cracks. The breath slows again, yet I am aware that the dam that had been made was removed and new water, blood; Qi/prana was being re-invited into this once old sewer, now a vibrating temple. The spiral I rode in on is gone now, so I breathe deeply reconnecting my spirit with my body and ride a gentle wave out and back into the room. My hands move out of this space in a slow and comforting way. I seal the work just completed with a simple acknowledgment. Then on to the rest of the body work.  Deepening into the space that opens between my client and me, learning a new lesson in visionary bodywork.

“Hands are sacred things. Touch is personal fingers of love, feelers of blind eyes, tongues of those who cannot talk.”    –Keri Hulme

A day of breath work

A few days back I participated in an afternoon workshop with breathwork as the center piece of trans mutative work. My mind was officially blown by the process and all it shifted within me.

We were apart of a pretty large motor bike caravan that led us to a magical oasis hidden in the jungle of Sayan, just outside of Penestanan. We had just a bit of time to meet and greet all the others who had arrived for the days events. As we came into a circle there was a card on everyone's cushion. Once I sat down on my seat I revealed the hidden message on the opposite side of the card. A hand with an orb of light in its palm, suspended in the ether of space with a radiant light beaming from the center of the palm was what greeted my eyes. Lastly at the bottom of the card was inscribed the work Benediction. This was a perfect sign for me that I was exactly where I needed to be, seated between two others that I was meant to be there with.

After some opening commentary about what the days program would look like we were all invited to shared our purpose for being there. My personal reason was the same reason I came to Bali in the first place, to continue opening to the worlds energies and my ability to channel them through me as a healer.

Then we began. Creative dance started to energize all of us and to help us all drop into our bodies. Fast and big movement was followed with organic slower and softer moving that lead into sharing in the dance with a partner close by. This truly charged me up. At first I was apprehensive to dance with someone else and some insecurities began flowing out. But immediately following that sensation was an even greater sensation of warm coming from the woman that I was connected with and we moved with all of it. The warmth, the insecurity, blended into an authentic connection that melted away my rough edges and exposed my raw form.  It was amazing to watch my mind dance back and forth between, "what the hell am I doing right now, this is ridiculous", and " this feels amazing, go deeper". The more I paid attention to this conversation the more I became aware of my ability to choose where I put my energy and thus I chose the deeper again and again over the insecurity. Doing this seemed to stir up sensations in my body. My arms began to shake a bit and my hands swelled with warmth. My breath deepened into my belly and my chest and I could feel myself sinking into my pelvis and my stance on my legs. At this point all fears of what I looked like to others and what it might mean to others vanished.

The dance part came to a close and we moved straight into some self massage. Six minutes of intention massage on your own body with the mantra of loving each part with your touch. Being a massage therapist, I have always wondered what my touch feels like to others and in some way I got to experience it. I was pretty pleased with the results and since that day have committed to a practice every day of 6-10 minutes of self massage. I cannot describe to you how amazing this really is until you try it out for yourself. For all my friends and fam who are body workers I recommend just trying it once and you won't regret it.

Once this piece finished we circled up once more and dove into the breath work. Having not done any kind of breathwork prior to this I had nothing to compare it to and therefore open to what it may bring. The breath pattern was in and out of the mouth, with deep breaths, not focused on a rapid pace but more with a focus of seamlessness between the in and the out breath. By this I mean there is a point on the in-breath where it reaches its peak and from there without pause you exhale. Then at the bottom of the exhale there is an end point and again with break you inhale. The breath was deep and fulfilling. I could feel parts of my body receiving the oxygen that normally don't receive in this way. After about 10 minutes I could feel part of my body beginning to shake and quiver, especially my sacrum. Then great waves of energy awoke from my body. It was as if i was connected to an electrical outlet and my spine was the circuit the energy was traveling on. There were areas along the way that the energy would move right through and others where it would build and become an even deeper pulsating ball forcing my awareness to the spot to help it shift, and it would. After a bit of this I began noticing my hands tightening and my mouth puckering. It was intense to feel and slightly alarming I won't lie. But I knew that it is a common thing in this sort of work so I simply played with it by opening and closing my hands, opening and closing my jaw and mouth, letting out sounds with my breath and all this seeded in my mind that there was nothing to fear.

There were so many peaks  in this experience, so many that this blog would be much bigger than many would want to read. So I will share a few. At one point I reached an altered state, very much in my body but also aware of the intense energy building in my third eye and crown chakra that attempted to send me out into the ethers. Visions of Hindu deities like Ganesha, Shiva, and Krishna came and went. Along with Krishna came a giant cobra looking straight into me, glancing over my body as if looking for something. The Balinese Hindu protector Barong came as well who ushered in my personal guides and totems. The cobra led me into a deep space within where the male and female aspects meet and swirl together in harmony. It was here I watched the cobra split in two and swirl together creating a double helix DNA strand, then finalizing into the shape of the all familiar caduceus (symbol for medicine).

 Seeing this final culmination of the serpents dance reminds me of a painting done by Alex Grey called the Journey of the wounded healer.

 The first depiction shows a person spiraling down in some sort of suffering cycle unaware of how to change. Second he shows the human body blown apart into tiny pieces revealing each piece of the person in a vulnerable way and portraying that illness has nowhere to hide when exposed in such a way. Finally the piece comes to a close with the person walking up a mountain, seeking higher truth holding the caduceus in his hand symbolizing his journey inward to heal himself thus preparing him to be of service for the world. 

That vision of the serpents closed as they ushered me out into the void of pure space, pure potential ready to create. A motherly vibration resonated there as if I was in a womb, the great mothers womb. I was utterly exposed and vulnerable and I instantly felt love pouring out me to my parents, for the gifts I have received from both of them. I could feel my partner on the other side of the circle working her magic and I wept for all the them. For my love for them and the love I could feel pouring in from them. It was a pure moment of gratefulness. Feeling all this love in some way empowered me as a man. My masculine energy was charged in a confident and sustainable way. I felt strong and potent. A feeling that has stayed with me many days after the session. 

Coming to this event on this day was not by chance, but by choice, lead by both conscious and  my subconscious desires to deepen on this path spoken above. This simple but oh so cleansing work was another piece of the puzzle of my personal discovery as a body worker and a healer. As I climbed to new heights with my breath I could feel my chakra channel clearly, my meridians flowing up and down my body, the yin and yang sides of my being and my natural ability to move all these forces with my consciousness and intent. 

Coming into my own has never felt so right. It has been a long road and those that know me best know the work I have endured over the past several years, clearing my unconscious spiraling of suffering and seeking a path of true healing. By no means is this path complete, but I received a gift at seeing the vision of the intertwined serpents that my soul has waited for for ages. In the midst of such an intense experience where the pain body can become easily triggered as it has so many times before, I found myself at peace in the eye of the storm, playing with what i felt, singing when my heart said to and in that peace the realization came to me. My time of seeking to find my mission in this world was complete. Deep breath taking this truly into my hearts chambers. Now I am left with giving myself to that path wholly. A life time of learning now awaits me. Deepening into the ancient rhythms our ancestors spoke of in their stories to their children, their grandchildren, their apprentices and grasshoppers. Tapping into the subtly that resides behind the veil between us and the natural world. As I continue my walk along that mountains edge holding the gift I received in my heart, I pause to take in the vastness of the world around me and all she has to teach me. 

Thanks to all who are interested in reading this blog and following my accounts of our time in Indonesia, as well as baring witness to the shifts and changes that come along the way. I hope this can become a dialogue and a place to share ideas about life and our personal journey's into ourselves. That being said lets go for it!

Ky and I left our home in the United States on October 1st, 2012 not knowing fully how everything would unfold. We had spent 6 years making a lovely nest filled with love and welcomeness on some of the most amazing land in Colorado, The Double Rainbow Ranch. Many of our friends would tell us how comfortable they felt in our home and we always took that as a huge compliment. It was a space that we loved, grew, and learned so much about our deeper selves in. Then suddenly things changed. We visited Bali and Thailand in the winter of 2011 and a big shift occurred in both of us that we had long talked about and longed for. This rooted and grounded couple pulled up their roots in the states and everything familiar and spread their wings for a huge adventure. Saying "see you again soon" to all of you was one of the hardest things to do for us in our lives, especially to our two most faithful companions Cali and Vega. But we trusted in our hearts call and lept into the great unknown. Thank god we were surrounded with such support from our parents, helping us move stuff back to Michigan, welcoming our pooches with the biggest embrace ever. And the support we have had from our dearest friends gave us the gusto to cut the logistical strings (phones, internet, bills etc.) that needed cut, trim the ones that needed trimming and strengthened the ones that would be there forever. So it was that we found ourselves at Denver International Airport saying goodbye to our beloved Garstones and all that we have known. We did our best to leave as much of our expectations behind, emptying our chalices, ready to be filled with the wisdom of the East. 



We arrived on the Island of the Gods on October 3rd, exhausted, yet wide eyed and full of adrenaline. Got through Indonesian customs in a flash and on the way to Ubud. The cabby was quiet but knew the way well so we finally got to sit back and relax and soak in the savory smells of our new home. Incenses, Balinese cooked food, fish, and trash filled our nostrils with a sensual overload. Dogs roamed the streets some with collars clearly marking them as owned while others missing clumps of hair, had dreads or mange rummaged through trash or picked apart the most recent offering to the gods from the Balinese women. Road side stands as far as the eyes could see selling fruit, paintings, carvings, art and more and more food. With only one small miss turn we rounded the corner where Vespa cafe sat and Brynn came running out into the street waving her arms with a huge smile on her face. We hugged Brynn and Matt both so tightly and then unloaded all the stuff from the Taksi. Unfortunately we didn't discover it till the next day but in all the excitement of arriving I forgot to check to make sure we had everything out of the cab and lost our new camera in the transition. Well if the cabby didn't like his tip I'm sure that he was just fine discovering our gem in his back seat. 

We spent our first two weeks in a great spot called Rumah Summangi on the other side of a rice field from Brynn and Matt's house. A small room and bathroom but there was a pool and the folks who ran it were amazingly kind and welcoming.  

Our first week was a lot of grounding and simply getting familiar with the Ubud area. Got great recommendations from B & M on restaurants, places to check out and a great spot to do yoga, The Yoga Barn. They even got us punch cards to it for our birthdays as a way of helping us to begin finding community here on the other side of the world. 

First weekend we found ourselves at familiar beaches on the east coast in Candidasa and Pandang Bai. A short drive between these places but the water is so different in each. At white sands in Candidasa the water is clear but green and the water in Padang Bai was crystal turquoise. The waves the second day we huge and tossed us around heavily, which meant if you wanted to swim you had to go out a ways because there is a good deal of coral that you wouldn't want to get tossed into. It was at this beach we got to meet many of B&M's friends, and immediately there was a feeling of welcome into the community.

Shortly after this weekend we had visitors already. Sarah and Brian arrived first and Joe and Emily the next week. Showing them around Ubud helped Ky and I familiarize even more with the area. We took them into the middle of the island to the terraced rice fields and out to the west coast of the island to a little place called Balian beach. We ate great food, heard gamalan music and saw ceremonial dance, surfed, got Balinese massages and even got some gelato. When Joe and Emily left for Kuta on the 19th, we stood there on the curb as their Taksi drove off waving till it crested the hill. Even though we have family here, Ky and I looked into each others eyes and both felt the shift totally begin to take place. We were here now, no more friends coming for a long while and a wave of emotions came over both of us. We took a deep breath, honored all that was coming up for us in that moment and treated ourselves to some more gelato :)

We committed the following week to getting some stuff done that needed completing. I had an interview with a spa here called Taksu on the day Joe and Emily arrived. The interview went great and the woman seemed to be in love with my massage work. It takes two to three weeks out here to find out if you got the job, mainly because there are Visas involved. So while I have been waiting to hear back from her I have been investigating other places in the area as well. There is a four seasons close that I plan on applying to along with other spas and resorts. Ky is getting connected with a clinic here in Ubud that specializes in women and children care, which is where she shines. 

After two days of searching we found a place to call home and drop our backpacks for now in the area of Penestanan. We have begun our Yoga practices and I am beginning to root again back into my meditation practice (Another entry to follow on this subject). We got our visas squared away till the beginning of December. Now that is all done, after we put some energy into connecting with and finding work we plan to get on our motor bike and do some more traveling.

Our feet are finally feeling the ground again in a deep way. We are opening on a daily basis to the magic on this island, within the Balinese people and into ourselves. I feel that we have given ourselves such a gift. A gift we have both been longing for since we began dating 11 years ago. We would talk about traveling to South America and Asia to see countries like Laos, Tibet, India, Guatemala, Peru and Costa Rica but something always came up and that dream was always placed on the back burner. Now, school is all done and a whole new learning has begun. I feel we have so much to learn from the smiling faces and hearts of the people who live here, and I pray that I am able soon to give back to them in a good way. This island manifests so quickly so we gotta be on our toes. 

Manifesting my destiny one day at a time. 
With open eyes, I take in all I can see. 
With an open mind, I process all I can learn. 
With an open heart, I remember my souls call to leap and trust. 
Manifesting an abundant life in Bali!