A day of breath work

A few days back I participated in an afternoon workshop with breathwork as the center piece of trans mutative work. My mind was officially blown by the process and all it shifted within me.

We were apart of a pretty large motor bike caravan that led us to a magical oasis hidden in the jungle of Sayan, just outside of Penestanan. We had just a bit of time to meet and greet all the others who had arrived for the days events. As we came into a circle there was a card on everyone's cushion. Once I sat down on my seat I revealed the hidden message on the opposite side of the card. A hand with an orb of light in its palm, suspended in the ether of space with a radiant light beaming from the center of the palm was what greeted my eyes. Lastly at the bottom of the card was inscribed the work Benediction. This was a perfect sign for me that I was exactly where I needed to be, seated between two others that I was meant to be there with.

After some opening commentary about what the days program would look like we were all invited to shared our purpose for being there. My personal reason was the same reason I came to Bali in the first place, to continue opening to the worlds energies and my ability to channel them through me as a healer.

Then we began. Creative dance started to energize all of us and to help us all drop into our bodies. Fast and big movement was followed with organic slower and softer moving that lead into sharing in the dance with a partner close by. This truly charged me up. At first I was apprehensive to dance with someone else and some insecurities began flowing out. But immediately following that sensation was an even greater sensation of warm coming from the woman that I was connected with and we moved with all of it. The warmth, the insecurity, blended into an authentic connection that melted away my rough edges and exposed my raw form.  It was amazing to watch my mind dance back and forth between, "what the hell am I doing right now, this is ridiculous", and " this feels amazing, go deeper". The more I paid attention to this conversation the more I became aware of my ability to choose where I put my energy and thus I chose the deeper again and again over the insecurity. Doing this seemed to stir up sensations in my body. My arms began to shake a bit and my hands swelled with warmth. My breath deepened into my belly and my chest and I could feel myself sinking into my pelvis and my stance on my legs. At this point all fears of what I looked like to others and what it might mean to others vanished.

The dance part came to a close and we moved straight into some self massage. Six minutes of intention massage on your own body with the mantra of loving each part with your touch. Being a massage therapist, I have always wondered what my touch feels like to others and in some way I got to experience it. I was pretty pleased with the results and since that day have committed to a practice every day of 6-10 minutes of self massage. I cannot describe to you how amazing this really is until you try it out for yourself. For all my friends and fam who are body workers I recommend just trying it once and you won't regret it.

Once this piece finished we circled up once more and dove into the breath work. Having not done any kind of breathwork prior to this I had nothing to compare it to and therefore open to what it may bring. The breath pattern was in and out of the mouth, with deep breaths, not focused on a rapid pace but more with a focus of seamlessness between the in and the out breath. By this I mean there is a point on the in-breath where it reaches its peak and from there without pause you exhale. Then at the bottom of the exhale there is an end point and again with break you inhale. The breath was deep and fulfilling. I could feel parts of my body receiving the oxygen that normally don't receive in this way. After about 10 minutes I could feel part of my body beginning to shake and quiver, especially my sacrum. Then great waves of energy awoke from my body. It was as if i was connected to an electrical outlet and my spine was the circuit the energy was traveling on. There were areas along the way that the energy would move right through and others where it would build and become an even deeper pulsating ball forcing my awareness to the spot to help it shift, and it would. After a bit of this I began noticing my hands tightening and my mouth puckering. It was intense to feel and slightly alarming I won't lie. But I knew that it is a common thing in this sort of work so I simply played with it by opening and closing my hands, opening and closing my jaw and mouth, letting out sounds with my breath and all this seeded in my mind that there was nothing to fear.

There were so many peaks  in this experience, so many that this blog would be much bigger than many would want to read. So I will share a few. At one point I reached an altered state, very much in my body but also aware of the intense energy building in my third eye and crown chakra that attempted to send me out into the ethers. Visions of Hindu deities like Ganesha, Shiva, and Krishna came and went. Along with Krishna came a giant cobra looking straight into me, glancing over my body as if looking for something. The Balinese Hindu protector Barong came as well who ushered in my personal guides and totems. The cobra led me into a deep space within where the male and female aspects meet and swirl together in harmony. It was here I watched the cobra split in two and swirl together creating a double helix DNA strand, then finalizing into the shape of the all familiar caduceus (symbol for medicine).

 Seeing this final culmination of the serpents dance reminds me of a painting done by Alex Grey called the Journey of the wounded healer.

 The first depiction shows a person spiraling down in some sort of suffering cycle unaware of how to change. Second he shows the human body blown apart into tiny pieces revealing each piece of the person in a vulnerable way and portraying that illness has nowhere to hide when exposed in such a way. Finally the piece comes to a close with the person walking up a mountain, seeking higher truth holding the caduceus in his hand symbolizing his journey inward to heal himself thus preparing him to be of service for the world. 

That vision of the serpents closed as they ushered me out into the void of pure space, pure potential ready to create. A motherly vibration resonated there as if I was in a womb, the great mothers womb. I was utterly exposed and vulnerable and I instantly felt love pouring out me to my parents, for the gifts I have received from both of them. I could feel my partner on the other side of the circle working her magic and I wept for all the them. For my love for them and the love I could feel pouring in from them. It was a pure moment of gratefulness. Feeling all this love in some way empowered me as a man. My masculine energy was charged in a confident and sustainable way. I felt strong and potent. A feeling that has stayed with me many days after the session. 

Coming to this event on this day was not by chance, but by choice, lead by both conscious and  my subconscious desires to deepen on this path spoken above. This simple but oh so cleansing work was another piece of the puzzle of my personal discovery as a body worker and a healer. As I climbed to new heights with my breath I could feel my chakra channel clearly, my meridians flowing up and down my body, the yin and yang sides of my being and my natural ability to move all these forces with my consciousness and intent. 

Coming into my own has never felt so right. It has been a long road and those that know me best know the work I have endured over the past several years, clearing my unconscious spiraling of suffering and seeking a path of true healing. By no means is this path complete, but I received a gift at seeing the vision of the intertwined serpents that my soul has waited for for ages. In the midst of such an intense experience where the pain body can become easily triggered as it has so many times before, I found myself at peace in the eye of the storm, playing with what i felt, singing when my heart said to and in that peace the realization came to me. My time of seeking to find my mission in this world was complete. Deep breath taking this truly into my hearts chambers. Now I am left with giving myself to that path wholly. A life time of learning now awaits me. Deepening into the ancient rhythms our ancestors spoke of in their stories to their children, their grandchildren, their apprentices and grasshoppers. Tapping into the subtly that resides behind the veil between us and the natural world. As I continue my walk along that mountains edge holding the gift I received in my heart, I pause to take in the vastness of the world around me and all she has to teach me.