Learning my own hands

Since I have arrived in Bali I have been in a deepening relationship with my hands and my energy body.  Working on friends and family are just one of the ways I have had the chance to sharpen my awareness of my craft. My personal practices are opening doors that I have yet to see, let alone step through. This island is very rich and abundant when it comes to free radiant energy, which makes it an ideal space to turn up the voltage and bring anyone present to their inter-connectedness with the world and all those living in it.

In so many stories from old traditions and lineages, they speak of certain times of day that can make that process a bit smoother, shining more light to see the usually un-seeable. I have heard the story many times from many different teachers to use the rising sun as a guide in beginning to see your own energy. My mother was the first to explain to me many years ago to go out at sunrise, hold your thumb and pointer finger close together, about half an inch apart with the rays of the rising sun behind them. Soften your gaze around the area until the magic reveals itself to you. Little strings of light can be seen passing back and forth in this transmittable space with the right curious eyes, child-like eyes. Those strings of light are what the Chinese call Qi, the Yogi’s Prana. It’s the life force flowing in us. When I was young I knew I saw it, but as I aged I convinced myself it was just a game and dismissed it for many years. I’m glad she planted that seed early because I was able to come back to it many years later in flagstaff when I began Tai Chi and practiced in the forests of Kachina Village. 

It was there that this phenomenon reawoke and propelled me into a whole new direction in my life. One that I had simply forgotten about, or one that world around me dismissed, who knows. Now, being here in Bali I have found the early morning and late evening to be ripe times for myself where it seems the veil is much thinner accompanied by a less linear mind. At these times the world is just waking up or fast asleep, thus creating a quiet and ripe environment for stillness to sing its gentle song inviting my inner eye open.

Describing the changes I have felt in the last month to a friend; seeing my energy field, feeling my energy field as well as others, has been ushered in by teachings of letting go. “How far, and how much are you willing to let go of”, I am being asked by a bigger voice. The more I let go the bigger the waves get; surrendering my fears as I get swept out into a sea of possibility. Figuring out what I hold to and where fear still governs my ability to be present for someone else is one of the biggest challenges I face as a healer

“You cannot help a hurting person until you have acknowledged how their fear of pain or dying disturbs you and brings up you most uncomfortable fears."

I am venturing onto the next task I feel called to and have been reading a great book to help me along the way.  A fellow healing friend gave me the book a while back in Boulder, Colorado, as I spoke interest in the subject of Craniosacral therapy. The books name: The Heart of Listening by Hugh Milne. In his writing Hugh adds a mystical light to this intriguing topic that for many years was deemed spiritless in the Osteopathic community this medicine originated from. This book is written in a text format, which normally would be very off-putting for me, but his skill and intuitive writing have cured me of that small prejudice. His words flow from the years of saturation in his work, from the up and the downs in his career, from the confusing times as well as those of certainty. 

I have been drawn to the deeper levels of healing ever since I received my first Acupuncture session from a woman in Flagstaff, Arizona. Her name was Stephanie Selman and I believe she is still there. After she had all the needles, she began to do bodywork on me. She worked my head and scalp, which anyone who has had it knows it feels amazing. Then she moved to my third eye with some sort of a tool or pencil. I could feel this spinning sensation occurring and it felt as if she were spiraling my whole head around itself. After the session was complete I asked what sort of tool she was using to do whatever that was on my forehead. Her reply was, “That was my finger.”

Bali is revered as one of the greatest healing places in the world and healers from all over the planet come to bask in her glow and hope to learn from some of the amazing healers who are here. This was my true intention for coming to this island. Healing others begins with healing oneself. Thus I have taken it upon myself to join in to the unspoken challenge that Hugh Milne speaks of in his book.

“Thus, part of the healers vow is, I will master my trade, I will not burn myself out, I will take care of my own needs so I may be a more complete human being, a more balanced healer. I will recognize my own needs to change and grow, which will allow me to help my clients change and grow – two fluid people changing together.”

 I am taking the beginning steps again to lay a foundational practice in my life that I can hold to and be empowered by. As a body worker, the more I venture down that path without this foundation I become aware of how rocky and difficult the path can be. My personal challenge of burnout is greater, my general energy level lower, and the ability to see clearly how to heal another is easily clouded by uncertainty. My natural given talents in bodywork are meant to be built on, used as part of my foundation, not seen as the culmination of my capabilities.

Yoga, meditation, ceremony, mantras, singing, and praying are all petals of the lotus I have been creating for myself daily here in Bali. Each of these is slowly stirring a deeper seeing and opening of my inner eye in my day to day life, in my personal discovery and on the table working on clients:

Waking up. Breathing in, I can see light moving and swaying in front of me. Breathing out, the light shifts, swirls and becomes shaped by my mind. A current of what looks to be electricity moves through the space like water following a groove in stone it has made with time.  My hands shift and the light drains away into a spiral sinking down and darkness consumes all I could see moments ago with my mind’s eye. So I follow the spiral down and down until a radiantly intense red consumes all of my sight. With my hands I sense the heat pouring from this tender spot and suddenly my ears hear a deepened breathing and finally a small gasp. I stop and breathe with them making sure it is okay to press on. There at the bottom of this old trunk lays a vulnerability surrounded by shadow and demons. My movement slows to near stillness, sharpening my sensitivity, patience and intention, all the while inviting breath into this dark quarter. A very real yet unreal movie is playing as I watch the trauma unfold and show its story in rich symbology and archetypal narration. This space feels like a manky sewer with years of neglect. Creepy shadows shift and scurry across the mold covered floor beneath my feet. The darkness around me is deep and saturated with uncertainty. From a space of compassion I connect with my hands again and begin breathing light and love into my lungs and emanating this energy from my hands as pure light. At first it is soft, but the glow begins to build into a line shining up into the heavens and down into the earth cracking the ceiling and floor open. As I bring my intention even closer to my heart I can feel  another light emanating from the dark creatures that were hiding in the shadows. This is a good sign that the person I am working with is engaging in their own healing. Soon the room begins shifting as light pours in through all and any cracks. The breath slows again, yet I am aware that the dam that had been made was removed and new water, blood; Qi/prana was being re-invited into this once old sewer, now a vibrating temple. The spiral I rode in on is gone now, so I breathe deeply reconnecting my spirit with my body and ride a gentle wave out and back into the room. My hands move out of this space in a slow and comforting way. I seal the work just completed with a simple acknowledgment. Then on to the rest of the body work.  Deepening into the space that opens between my client and me, learning a new lesson in visionary bodywork.

“Hands are sacred things. Touch is personal fingers of love, feelers of blind eyes, tongues of those who cannot talk.”    –Keri Hulme